Six Steps to Take When Perfectionism is Ruining Your Life
Wanting to do things really well isn’t a bad thing at all. If you spend time carefully researching an article, crafting a beautiful text and proof-reading for mistakes, the outcome is usually quite good. Being meticulous and thoughtful can produce stellar results and make you feel proud of yourself. So, putting in a lot of effort and setting high standards for your work is quite laudable and nothing to worry about.
However, doing a great job is usually not enough for a perfectionist. Perfectionism means going above and beyond what you need to do to succeed; it means creating a product that is flawless to the point where no criticism is possible, and the only response to your work is unconditional praise. Doing something perfect, thus, creates an allegedly safe space where you are free of outside judgment, embarrassment or humiliation, where failure and rejection do not exist. Or so the thinking goes.
Perfectionism as an obstacle to your success
Perfectionism in and of itself is a problematic concept. If you set unrealistic standards for yourself and, at times, for others, it can lead to anxiety, worry, despair and discouragement. Especially because more often than not, “perfect” isn’t an objective term but a fictious construct in your head. What you might deem perfect may not receive the same response from your professor, your employer or your dinner guests. Even if you follow the rules to a “t” and meet all the necessary requirements, you may not reap all the expected benefits. Your guests may not like the meal you prepared for them, or your professor might find your writing dull and uninformative. The term “perfect” lies in the eye of the beholder and means different things to different people. Trying to please everyone may lead to heightened stress, negative self-talk, burnout, depression or paralysis when you are too afraid of starting a project out of fear of not living up to your own expectations.
Perfectionism can be a response to negative experiences in your past
Many people suffer from perfectionism, but it’s especially prevalent among people with ADHD. When you are neurodivergent, you have most likely experienced numerous challenges along your way. In school, you may have struggled with learning difficulties, lack of attention, low grades or difficulties with social interactions. You may have been yelled at by your teachers. Your classmates may have teased and ridiculed you for being different. You may have gotten into fights and were punished for your behavior. You may have experienced repeated academic failures in school when you couldn’t finish a project on time, didn’t do your homework or messed up on tests and exams. All those negative experiences over the years have affected you negatively and instilled in you the belief that you’re not good enough. Perfectionism becomes a protective shield, a mechanism that wants to shelter you from the hostile world outside. It’s a coping mechanism when you have difficulties following through on your own plans and goals, even if you try really, really hard.
What to do about perfectionism
Perfectionism did not arrive overnight and thus might take some time to disappear again. There are quite a few steps you can take to counteract it - but it is important to be patient and not put too much pressure on yourself. Here is what you can do:
1. Create more awareness
The first step you can take to mitigate your perfectionistic tendencies is to become aware of them. Name them, own them and then take some time to ask yourself what perfectionism does for you. Why do you hope to be perfect? What are your underlying fears if you fail? Will you be disappointed in yourself? Will other people be disappointed in you? Are you feeling anxious when you think of doing less than perfect work? Can you sit with your anxiety without feeling overwhelmed by it? Or is it so scary that you might need to look for outside help from a coach or therapist?
2. Set small goals
Once you are more aware of your perfectionism, you might want to fight your immediate urge to do away with it once and for all (using your perfectionistic tendencies to get rid of your perfectionism). Instead, set small goals. Try to find out where your perfectionism is affecting you the most and how you can begin to counteract it. Decreasing perfectionistic tendencies will take a while – so you are in it for the long run. Make a list of small steps you can take to tolerate more imperfection, such as deliberately being imperfect.
3. Deliberately be imperfect
I have used this method many times when I was sitting in front of a blank computer screen, trying to get started on my term paper or academic article. How was I supposed to start when there were so many different ways of writing the first sentence? I would feel completely paralyzed and unable to begin out of fear of making a fundamental mistake right at the very beginning that would determine the outcome of my entire essay. In order to control my fears, I would take two pages to simply brainstorm and write down everything that came to my mind about the topic at hand. I wouldn’t worry about spelling, grammar, complete sentences or punctuation – my goal was to get out ideas so that my screen wouldn’t be blank anymore. Doing it that way suspended my tendency to judge myself harshly. It was just a draft and could be revised multiple times. It didn’t have to be perfect from the very beginning.
4. Limit the time you spend on your task
Often, especially when it comes to a task like writing, there is never an obvious end to it. You can continue to edit, revise and rethink your argument, since there are no hard-and-fast rules what a great essay should look like. That’s why it might be important to set some limits ahead of time so you can find a natural stopping point. For example, you can give yourself permission to spend 60 minutes revising each page of your essay and then give it one last read before you submit it. Making your own rules can be tremendously helpful. You create the framework that will give you the structure you need to be done with something that you can work on ad infinitum.
5. Work with other people
Working with a good friend or classmate can be a true game changer – provided your friend isn’t a perfectionist as well. Bouncing off ideas, preparing for an exam together or reading each other’s papers might help you move forward and not second-guess every step of your way. It’s easier to get started with someone by your side who holds you accountable – and finding the point where you let go of your project and call it done can be more doable with a true supporter. Try it out to see whether studying with a buddy is for you.
6. Focus on your strengths and achievements
Notice what it is that you do well and make a list. If you are like me, you tend to forget about the things that went well in a day but instead focus on your shortcomings. It is not easy to reverse that habit but what helps me pay more attention to my wins (no matter how small) is to take five minutes every night and write down three things that I did well. You can write them down in a special journal or maybe even draw a comic if you are an artsy person. Your wins can be as allegedly small as writing an email to your professor or going for a walk as a form of self-care. Over time, you will realize how many wonderful things you accomplish every day and how many fantastic strengths you have that are unique to you. That realization will give you more confidence and will reduce the need to be perfectionistic.
Perfectionism is prevalent among many people, but it can be especially bad for people with ADHD who want to overcompensate for past challenges and then experience even more stress, exhaustion, burnout, or complete paralysis. Be kind to yourself and tackle your perfectionism one step at a time. As I said previously, your perfectionism will not disappear overnight, but it will get better the more your work on your mindset.
If you need more support, check out my six effective study tips below. They will help you navigate school and university and provide you with strategies for your academic success.
