ADHD Kids Thrive Differently – Let’s Stop Comparing
As a mom of a son with AuDHD I know from personal experience that raising a neurodivergent child is a journey filled with love, growing, and challenges. There are endless lessons I have learnt – both about my child’s needs but also about myself and how I respond to certain situations. How to keep my frustration at bay when homework takes longer than expected; how to remain optimistic when yet another hobby has come to an abrupt end, or how to stay positive when hanging out with close friends or family members can mean a 15-minute gathering if my son feels overstimulated and thus needs to go home.
By applying a few strategies and techniques I have come a long way – from being irritable, impatient and, at times, quite unkind to someone who is truly supportive of my child, even through multiple meltdowns and tantrums.
Yet, what is still difficult for me is to stop myself from comparing my son to his classmates or activity buddies. And that’s one of the most common mistakes many parents tend to make: Comparing their neurodivergent child to neurotypical peers. While that instinct is quite understandable this comparison is often harmful and counterproductive for both our children and us as parents. Here’s why.
Different Brain Wiring, Different Strengths
As we all know, ADHD is not a lack of intelligence or effort; it is a fundamentally different way of processing the world. Neurotypical children might excel at structured tasks, sitting still, following detailed instructions, and completing homework on time. In contrast, ADHD children often struggle with executive functioning—things like organization, time management, and impulse control.
But what our kids lack in traditional structure, they often make up for in creativity, curiosity, and resilience. They think outside the box, hyperfocus on topics that fascinate them, and bring a unique perspective to problem-solving. When I compare my son to his neurotypical best friend I easily fall into the habit of noticing only my son’s shortcomings and weaknesses while ignoring all the wonderful strengths I know he possesses. Comparing my son that way tends to lead to unnecessary frustration for both my child and for myself as his mom. I might suddenly feel sad, anxious or downright depressed about my child’s perceived lack of abilities and might put more pressure on him to behave in a certain way, make more of an effort to conform and hone in on his executive function skills – even though I know it is not his fault. In that situation, nobody can win.
The Damage to Self-Esteem
When our neurodivergent children hear constant comparisons—whether directly or indirectly—it can deeply affect their self-esteem. If they repeatedly see that they are not measuring up to their peers, they might internalize the belief that they are “less than” or “not good enough.” This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt, anxiety, and even depression.
Our child might struggle with completing her homework on time but might be incredibly gifted in the art of storytelling. If all she hears is how her classmates finish their assignments without issue, she may begin to believe that her natural talents don’t matter. She may lose motivation, feel discouraged, or stop trying altogether. And that’s something we, as parents, want to avoid at all costs.
Parents’ Unintentional Frustration
If we as parents compare our ADHD children to neurotypical children, we often experience heightened stress and disappointment. Instead of celebrating our child’s progress, we are more likely to feel frustrated by what our child isn’t doing. This mindset can make it harder to appreciate small wins—like our child remembering their backpack without being reminded or sitting through a 20-minute homework session without giving up.
By shifting focus to what our child can do, we can find joy in our child’s unique journey. And we won’t feel down about alleged failures since we have a different perspective on what it means for our child to develop and grow.
A More Supportive Approach
Instead of comparisons, we should aim to meet our child where they are. Some ways to support our ADHD children include:
Focusing on strengths – Help them develop their natural talents.
Providing structure without rigidity – Clear routines help, but allow for flexibility.
Celebrating progress – Even small achievements matter.
Teaching self-advocacy – Help them understand and communicate their needs.
Parenting a neurodivergent child is not about making them fit into a neurotypical mold—it’s about helping them thrive in their own way. So, I decided to start celebrating my son for who he is, not who he “should” be while, at the same time, not minimizing the struggles and challenges parenting my child bring in the wake of it. The more realistic I am, the better it is for us as a family – and, of course, for my son and his ability to thrive.
