Seven Tips to Mitigate the Challenges of Relocating With a Neurodivergent Child

I moved back home to Germany in June 2023 together with my American husband C. and my two sons M. (5) and N. (2) after almost 25 years in the US. Because of the pandemic, N. had never been to Germany, and M. had only visited when he was a toddler. He didn’t remember much and was more than a little apprehensive about the move.

We spent the summer setting up our new German home and exploring the area before M. entered first grade in a German elementary school. M. had never really enjoyed going to daycare or kindergarten in the States and had always had a difficult time fitting in with other kids. Because M. has ADHD and mild symptoms of autism, he does best in quiet environments with few kids and little pressure. Being in new places makes him anxious, and he finds it impossible to self-regulate when he has strong emotions. Naturally, we were all a little worried about this new phase of his life and how he would do in a school with new teachers, new classmates and a new language.

Interestingly enough, M. seemed to be doing much better at first than in the US. He didn’t mind going to school, paid attention in class, did his homework without drama and even made a few friends. But the moment we were about to breathe a sigh of relief, M.’s problems slowly started to emerge – and became more pronounced as the school year progressed.

Even though the shorter school day in German schools – which let out around noon compared to 2:30 or 3:00 p.m. in the States – helped with M.’s overwhelm, his academic performance gradually declined. He had problems with the alphabet, didn’t understand how to add and subtract and couldn’t string letters together to form words.

He also got into trouble with other kids who teased him and chased him around the school yard. Sometimes it took me more than ten minutes in front of his classroom to convince him to give school another try. With Pikachu in hand and tears streaming down his cheeks, he somehow managed – but he was pretty miserable.  

It became clear over time that M.’s existing ADHD symptoms had worsened after our transatlantic move – something I hadn’t anticipated. M. suddenly developed severe separation anxiety and couldn’t fall asleep on his own, so he moved into our bedroom to be closer to us. He also had more pronounced anger issues – both with us and with other kids. Friendships he had tentatively formed at the beginning of the school year fell to the wayside, and playdates became few and far in between. I could sense the sadness M. felt over leaving the US and being in a different country without his beloved American grandparents, his friends, the cats we couldn’t take with us and the house he had lived in for all his life. It would take him over a year until he got better and actually started to enjoy being in Germany.  

Seven tips to help your child adjust

If your child has ADHD and you have moved to a different country (or to several countries), you might be able to relate to my story. When our children have ADHD, their executive functions – which control the way we organize and structure our lives, focus on a task or meet our goals – develop more slowly compared to other neurotypical kids. Their ability to adjust to new situations in life such as a move might be impaired, which means it will take our kids much longer to fully come to terms with a new situation.  

Below you will find 7 suggestions that could make a big difference in your child’s behavior if you practice them consistently over several months:

1. As the first order of business, try to make your home a safe haven where your child can relax and feel loved. Since everything around your child is new and potentially scary, with your family being the only constants in a completely unfamiliar world, home needs to be a place of great comfort and security. How exactly do you do that? Read on.

2. Take your child seriously. Oftentimes, we think we know what is best for them and dismiss their concerns or fears. Yet we need to make them feel heard and understood. Have short conversations with your child on a regular basis where you ask them about their new environment and how being in this new place makes them feel. What can you do for them? Even if your child is still young, they can already tell you many things when you listen carefully.

3. Be patient with your child and do not put too much pressure on them. A child with ADHD can be 2-3 years behind their peers in terms of their executive functions with the additional stress and upset of the move. Thus, they might take much longer to adjust and feel at home than you may have anticipated. Maybe your child has a hard time making new friends and wants to play by themselves for a while. Or they are not interested in continuing some of their old hobbies if it means joining a new club or team. Listen to your child, and if some gentle encouragement doesn’t get you anywhere, give your child the space they need. Once they are ready, they will let you know.

4. Try to work with incentives if your child has a hard time going to school or getting their homework done. Again, talk to your child and ask what they might need. If your child is younger, would it help them to take their favorite stuffy to school with them? Will a special treat during recess help them endure school until they can go home? Can you work out a reward system so your child gets points for every day they manage in school? Do the same with homework or other activities and appointments that are non-negotiable but that your child dislikes. Often, finding a good reward or incentive can work wonders for a while and can make all the difference between having a defiant or a compliant child.

5. Hug rather than yell! That’s easier said than done but give it a try. When your child explodes with anger or frustration, try to stay with them, listen carefully or even give them a hug. In our case, a hug is often what M. needs together with a few minutes of downtime and a couple of curious questions. Again, take your child seriously and explore the triggers that caused the outburst. Your child might be unable to self-regulate but with your support it might happen more easily as time goes on.

6. If you can, spend as much time as possible with your child to make them feel safe. Explore new places together and find activities and events your child truly enjoys. If your child loves swimming, find a few water parks with slides, artificial waves or even an indoor rainforest. Visit exciting playgrounds, museums, parks, restaurants, movie theaters or hiking trails your child is willing to check out. Over time, you will make new memories together that will replace some of the old ones, and the new country will become a more familiar – and fun - place.

7. Focus on the strengths of your child. Sometimes, in a new place, your child might feel more insecure and lack self-esteem. The more you can talk about your child’s talents and abilities, the easier the transition to your child’s new life might become. Every night, you can write down three things your child did well during the day and then discuss their strengths with them at the end of the week. Or you can make it a ritual to sit together for five minutes every night and come up with positive statements together. Over time, you will notice a subtle shift toward more confidence which will translate into many areas of your child’s life.

These days, M. is doing quite well. He still struggles in school and hasn’t formed too many friendships, but he is on a good trajectory. The other day he told me that he does not want to leave Germany anytime soon since he so much enjoys eating yummy pretzels, going to our pool in the summer and playing soccer in his favorite club. M. has made peace with his new place – and so will most children, neurodivergent or neurotypical, with enough time, patience and, if necessary, professional support.